The following is a important news bulletin.
[insert heavy drum beating and trumpet blowing]
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
We are here to report on the latest happenings in the life of Britney Spears.
She has or has not maybe re-entered rehab, or she has or has not married someone she may or may not have known for either 5 seconds or all her life. We are also unclear if she has or has not shaved her head or anyone else's.
What is known for sure, is that she has maybe or maybe not exposed herself in front of a camera somewhere with or without someone else.
Reports are sketchy, but we want to keep you, the public, informed on the updates as they occur.
Tune in again in about 15 minutes for more developments. Or, just hit refresh on this post every 15 minutes and re-read the same thing.