Wednesday, June 21, 2006

By Request : Elevator Princesses, Part 2

Here is part two in my look at elevator princesses. You can find part one, here.

In this section, I'm going to talk more about the princesses that do society the most harm when it comes to using the elevator. These wankae elevatorae deserves our utmost contempt.

The first, is the Yes I'm the Only One In Here, But I Didn't Deal It Princess. It smells like a skunk died under a garbage bag full of fetid horse manure in the middle of August and you didn't do it ... you just happened to be standing in an enclosed space with the most noxious fumes present and you didn't do it. Dude, you did it ... at least smile and give us the thumbs up. I mean, come on. That's what I do.

The next, is the Elevator Etiquette Schmetiquette Princess. The rules for leaving and entering an elevator have been defined since ancient times. People getting off the elevator go first, people getting on go last. It doesn't matter if there was a fraction of a millisecond that there was no movement coming from the elevator. These princesses usually have an "important delivery" (maybe they're trying to avoid being one of the above princesses ... mmm) or an "important meeting" (again ... mmm) and they need to rush onto that elevator because waiting outside the car for the 5 seconds that people are STILL GOING TO TAKE GETTING OFF, is too much to handle.

Believed to be an evolutionary offshoot of the Etiquette Princess, is the Last In Last Out Princess. This is the dude who gets on last, and who stands right by the elevator door. He's also the guy who's going to the top floor. He's also the guy when it stops on your floor, refuses to move - he feigns ignorance that somebody is trying to get by - you know this by the way he sways his head back and forth as he tries to scan the horizon for who it could be saying "excuse me" behind him ... if you're lucky, you've stuck your foot in the door and are holding it open in order to get through. It should be sufficient to say "excuse me" to mean get out of the road - not stand there like a great pillock.

Finally, There's Only One More Coming Princess. It's morning coffee, lunch, afternoon smoke break rush ... One person, the "scout" calls the elevator on behalf of a herd of about 10 or 15. The elevator comes and the scout holds the elevator door open waiting for his herd. A few of the herd trickle through ... You smile politely because you know, just because you have somewhere to go, doesn't mean you should inhibit somebody from holding the elevator. Then, you know you're in for a wait.

"There's only one more coming."

One of the rest of the herd will say, "When I saw her, she was going to the bathroom."

"Should we hold the elevator?"

NO. If you have to ask, you don't need to. They know how the elevator works, and it's next to impossible to get lost - you can only go UP or DOWN ... it's a marvelous technology. By this time, you're saved by the elevator alarm that rings when it thinks the elevator door is stuck open too long - for mechanical, not maniacal, reasons, and like a trained circus animal, the princess releases the door. "Oh well," he'll say, "she'll have to catch the next one."

Gee, ya think?

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Anthony said...

Have you tried using the service elevator? I think you will find a new level of Princess behavior.

Jim (Progressive Right) said...

Dude, that's nasty. :D