Friday, June 02, 2006

By Request : Elevator Princesses, Part 1

As requested by the illustrious Socialist Swine, I present a rant on Elevator Princesses.

It occurred to me that I think the genus wankus elevatorus, is by far the largest group of all the wankae, containing many species and subtle genetic variations, ranging from the benign to the malevolent. As a result, I'll split this over a couple of posts.

This first post will deal with benign elevator princesses, relatively speaking of course.

The first species is the Pushing the Elevator Call Multiple Times Makes Elevator Come Faster Elevator Princess, sometimes referred to as the button masher. These are the people, that despite the fact that the elevator call button is lit, will hover over it and repeatedly press it several times. If you talk to a button masher, they will tell you that if you push it more than once, that speeds up the elevator - it's a secret only the Illuminati or Masons know about, I guess. In most cases, this elevator princess is harmless, except if the button is accompanied by a high-pitch "bing" noise - bing bing bing bing bing. Perhaps, this is how the button masher calls mates? I think Elaine on Seinfeld made this condition more publicly accepted.

The next is also relatively benign - the So What Happens on Your Floor Elevator Princess. Not content to simply stand there, looking at the numbers or
Captivate, they need to ask you what goes on when you get off the elevator. It's not because they are being friendly or genuinely curious - they know damn well what's on your floor; they're using it as a means to rant on about how lousy your company is (they may be right, but that's immaterial). It usually starts rather innocuously - a polite thank you for holding the elevator or commenting on some interesting news item. Then, you push your floor number - the blood is in the water.

"Ah - the 6th floor. So, what's on the 6th floor?"

Politely, you respond "Corporation, Inc.".

"Corporation, Inc.? What do they do?"

And you're stuck talking about market yields, corporate scams, how the princess was duped into buying their stock, blah blah blah. To avoid this situation, respond with, "My proctologist / gynecologist" instead of the real reason you're there.

The final one is the Last Elevator Ride on Earth Princess. This princess is the most unusual because it apparently cares little for it's personal safety when trying to get on an elevator. The doors will be within an inch of closing, but they are there - jutting a finger, an arm, or a leg to prevent that door from closing. This is behaviour you'd expect if the elevator was the last one going up on earth. It's more perplexing when you can hear the arrival of other elevator cars, in the same lobby where there's a bank of about 8 or 10 elevators all going in the same direction.

Coming next, the malevolent elevator princesses ... stay tuned.

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3 comments:

scott said...

James,

I couldn't find an email address. The reason I'm leaving you a message is we're in the middle of a provincial election out here in Nova Scotia, so we decided to start a blogroll in support of Rodney MacDonald (The Tory candidate for premier). We are hoping to attract tories from coast to coast and we would really appreciate your support. Here's how you can join the blogroll: http://sorrycentrist.blogspot.com/2005/11/blogs4rodney-back-blogs4rodney-is.html

Thx a bunch. SC

scott said...

James,

The link that I gave you is broken. Here's the working addition:

http://sorrycentrist.blogspot.com/2005/11/canadian-tory-bloggers-must-unite.html

Sorry about the mixup. SC

Guy said...

That post had more awesome in it than any other post I've read for a very long time.